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Shaun vs. Boardinghouse (1982)

board1Directed by Johnn Wintergate

Starring Johnn Wintergate, Kalassu and Alexandra Day

A man who has developed telekinetic powers inherits a house with a terrible past and turns it into a boarding house for hot, young women to call home but they wind up getting killed one by one by an evil force that doesn’t want them there.

A new standard in independent filmmaking.  Whether it’s high or low is up to you to decide.

The film begins with a staggeringly long and boring introduction about a house known as the “Hoffman home” where multiple owners have died in unusual and unknown circumstances.  This is delivered via an old school computer terminal as someone reads the four lines of dialogue it’s able to show on screen.  Skip ahead ten years when the home is inherited by telekinetic fancy man Jim Royce who has the fantastic idea of turning the place into a boarding house for young women.  And sure enough, it doesn’t take five minutes before the rooms are filled by attractive 18-25 year olds who just want to party and more than willing to have pre-marital sex at the drop of a hat.  It’s a paradise until the women so missing as they are targeted by a gloved killer (or an evil force?) who systematically kills them with the power of his/her mind.  So why the gloves?

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This might the be thing killing them for all I know. Beware of bad effects.

That’s the best I can try to sell the movie because the actual story is a mess.  Silly, ludicrous, awful, incomprehensible.  All words I used multiple times while watching this dreck.  Parading like it was a real theatrical movie, it’s a movie filmed on VHS tape and looks like it was directed and randomly edited by someone’s drunk uncle at times.  To go along with the amateur filmmaking is the amateur acting which is either awful or hilariously bad at any given time as they deliver some terrible dialogue.

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The movie is not a porno.

Hey, horror movies can have bad stories and dialogue but they can still deliver the goods and still be alright, right?  Weellll….  The movie concerns a killer who uses either telekinesis or able to control their victims’ minds to make them do whatever.  Sometimes the killer makes a victim rip out their eyes or their guts, sometimes the person just starts bleeding from orifices and goes off to die.  Like in one scene, a woman just stumbles ten feet into the ocean and keels over dead because that’s what the killer made them do.  The movie also “features” Horror Vision, which is detailed before the movie begins as a way to warn sensitive viewers before a particularly violent scene.  Funny or stupid, you decide.  Boardinghouse at least delivers plenty of eye candy in the form of the women in various revealing outfits, lingerie or just plain topless.  To counteract the cheese cake though, Johnn Wintergate spends way too much time in just thong underwear.

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Stare at it…stare at it…

There’s no way the movie was made to be serious as nothing is taken seriously.  If it was supposed to be funny though, it’s only going to appeal to a very small number of people but that’s why the movie is considered a “cult” movie at best though I would hesitate and laugh at the thought of it being a cult classic.  It’s a huge mess of a movie that ultimately didn’t know if it wanted to be serious or corny on purpose but it’s all bad in the end.  Stay far, far away from Boardinghouse.

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This is me by the end of the movie.

TL;DR

Story: 2 – If the film had stuck to the basics I don’t think it would’ve been that bad, but it’s a jumbled mess of crap that ends up a confusing mess by the time the credits roll.

Blood: 3 – This is me being nice.  Aside from the guts and eyeballs getting torn out, the gore isn’t that great.

Nudity: 7 – Not a reason to be looking out for the movie, but the women are nice to look at.

Overall: 1 – I’ll never watch this again.

Trivia

-As mentioned above, the movie was filmed on tape and was later blown up to 35mm to get a small theatrical release.  The majority of the small budget was spent on the conversion.

-Filmed in two and a half weeks.  According to Johnn Wintergate and Kalassu in the special features, the movie was edited into a more serious film though the intent was to make a pseudo parody of the genre.

-Slasher Video released a director’s cut of the film that runs a little over two and half hours because we somehow need more of Boardinghouse?

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