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Shaun vs. Tales from the Crypt Presents Bordello of Blood (1996)

bord1Directed by Gilbert Adler

Starring Dennis Miller, Erika Eleniak and Angie Everhart

A down on his luck private investigator yuks his way into a missing person’s job for a beautiful woman who has lost her brother.  His investigation leads him to a mortuary by day, bordello by night establishment.  Which is all fine and weird as it is, but the bordello is run by a colony of female vampires so that really kills the mood.    


 


 

The film opens in a deep, far off jungle where Vincent (B-movie veteran Phil Fondacero) and his lackeys are exploring for a rare treasure.  The come across a coffin but it’s not filled with gold, diamonds or jewels, just the body of Lilith, the mother of all vampires.  Vincent carries a box that has four sections of Lilith’s heart and when he puts them together they bond and become a full, beating heart.  After stuffing the heart into the carcass, it starts to re-animate and very quickly she comes back to life and starts to kill the adventurers.  Vincent pulls out a key filled with blood — the same key seen in Demon Knight — which seems to be the only way to control her.  He gives her the other lackey when she promises she’ll obey him.

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What’s that have to do with a bordello?  A bordello made of blood maybe?  Fast forward a bit, Katherine (Eleniak) hires detective Rafe Guttman (Miller) to find her missing brother Caleb (Corey Feldman.)  She’s initially repulsed by the offensive yet slightly charming detective, but when the police aren’t interested in taking on another missing person case, she decides to go with the Gutt.  While following a lead on Caleb, Rafe happens upon a bordello that operates out of a funeral home.  And it’s run by Lilith!  He gets in deep doo-doo when he infiltrates the bordello and Lilith finds out that he has a rare blood type that’s to die for.  Lilith seeks him out while he attempts to get help because…vampires!

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While Demon Knight had a fairly epic plot for what was essentially a group of strangers stuck in a house, Bordello of Blood reigns back being epic and concentrates on exactly what you’re expecting: lots of boobs and lots of blood.  Do we get that?  Goddamn right we do!  Any scenes inside the bordello will make you cross-eyed as the women are all over the place.  And they’re mean too.  Beheadings, stabbings, bodies blown up, torn to shreds, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!

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I would venture the main issue with the movie is whether or not you’ll find it funny.  Tales from the Crypt likes to present itself with a bit of the dark humour and you getting your funny bone tickled really depends on whether you like the comic stylings of Dennis Miller.  Personally, I’m not his biggest fan, though his deadpan sarcastic delivery does lend itself to a few funny scenes.  He’s certainly funnier than Corey Feldman however I can’t help but think that the movie would have been better with a different comedian if that’s what they wanted for a lead.  Erika Eleniak does a wonderful job at being a sex object.  Angie Everhart is a treat though, she was funny and sexy.  The producers managed to dig up genre vet Chris Sarandon (for his Fright Night connection?) who does what he can in a small role as a rock ‘n roll minister with a sinister motive.  Overall a mixed acting bag…but you didn’t buy/rent/steal this flick for that reason.

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The movie is a decent time and worth a watch, if anything for the big showdown between the good guys with guns filled with holy water and the vampires with boobs as they battle to the tune of “Ballroom Blitz.”  While the story is kinda just there and you might have to really like Dennis Miller to get the most out of the flick, hey it’s got plenty of boobs and gore to meet your lofty expectations.

TL;DR

Story:  4 – Quite a bit lighter in tone when compared to the previous Tales film, the film aims for more laughs with the boobs and gore but it’s only partially successful on that front.  Sorry Mr. Miller.

Nudity: 9 – Once the bordello is open for business, things are good.

Blood: 8 – Again, gorehounds all over will enjoy what’s on tap here.

Overall: 6 – It could’ve been better, but a decent watch all the same.  I actually enjoyed the wraparounds with the Cryptkeeper having a rather unfriendly game with the Mummy (played by a returning William Sadler) where they hack off each others’ limbs until someone is left with just a head.  Give the Cryptkeeper his own movie, I’ll give that a shot!

Trivia

-According to Corey Feldman, Dennis Miller was rude and disrespectful to the cast and crew.  He said Miller once stole a van from the transportation department and left the set. Feldman and Miller got into a heated confrontation during filming.

-Dennis Miller recalls his role with mixed emotions. When interviewed about the movie, he showed regret and remarked how he very much enjoyed shooting the scenes where he was up at 3am shooting scantily clad vampire prostitutes with supersoakers.  Who wouldn’t want to do that?

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