Directed by Fred Olen Ray

Starring Jay Richardson, Linnea Quigley and Gunnar Hansen

Released March 1998

Rated R

A private eye is hired to find a missing girl who winds up being a part of an ancient Egyptian cult of chainsaw worshippers who are prostitutes who sacrifice their clients to their gods with, you know, chainsaws.

There are worse ways to go.

Well, let me tell you something — if you’re going to watch this movie, the story is hardly important to your enjoyment of the film.  Yes, it’s “out there” and possibly “really dumb” but at least there was some effort to make “Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers” as kind of a parody of film noir-style mysteries of the 50s.  Or I’m reading way too much into it and the film really is about a bad guy who might as well be King Tut from the 60s Batman series who enlists prostitutes to kill people with chainsaws because if you’re gonna have a crazy cult, don’t skimp on the crazy!

The virgin dance of the double chainsaws. Seriously!

If you’re worried about getting into this and NOT seeing boobs, well my friends, you don’t know Fred Olen Ray.  If I may direct you to his modest IMDb page, this guy knows what he’s doing as far as the nudity department is concerned since he’s been doing it practically since he started.  “Hookers” is actually one of his earlier films!  It’s been a key to his success as a provider of sleazy thrills for decades, and I mean that in the best way possible.

Now it’s her turn to penetrate.

The cast contains several Fred Olen Ray regulars, as well as genre favourite scream queens, Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer (who I reviewed not too long ago in David DeCoteau’s “Nightmare Sisters”) who do what they do best and flaunt what their mothers gave them.  To add to the genre credentials, Gunnar Hansen plays the villainous “Stranger.”  Hansen is a bit of an odd choice for speaking roles what with his most iconic role being that of the mostly silent Leatherface from the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre…but there you see the link to having him in the film right there.  Bravo.

Look at the size of that phone!

If it isn’t clear just yet, the movie is a total comedy.  There’s no taking this seriously, even with the literal buckets of blood hilariously splashing the killer hookers all over while they sever the poor men into pieces.  Is the film really funny?  Eh, it has its moments, but this is the best you can get for a movie that was made in less than a week.  With a film with a title like “Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers” you can only expect so much I would think, but the does deliver beautiful chainsaw-toting actresses portraying hookers in what looks pretty close to Hollywood, so you can’t be disappointed with the results.

TL;DR

Story: 5 – I may be crazy for giving that many points, but the Egyptian cult thing really came out of left field and got a few chuckles out of me.

Nudity: 9 – Fred Olen Ray’s trademark “show boobs every five minutes” makes sure at least one demographic is paying attention.

Blood: 5 – Most of the chainsaw kills are off screen, but the hookers are the ones getting covered in large and laughable amounts of fake blood. 

Overall: 5 – There are at least a couple reasons why I understand this film became a cult classic, but the biggest issue is that the humour doesn’t hold up well.  Lots of old gags that have run their course, very dated.  But hey, boobs!

Trivia

-Director Fred Olen Ray also moonlighted as a professional wrestler, under the ring name Fabulous Freddie Valentine.

-When the movie was released on video in the UK, the film wasn’t allowed to have the word chainsaw in the title, so it film’s title was “Hollywood Hookers.”

-The temple set was reused from the film “House II: The Second Story” and a prop coffin was reused from the movie “Vamp.”

-There was a scene where Jay Richardson was to head butt Linnea Quigley and after several failed takes, Richardson accidentally hit Quigley for real, but professionals that they are, they didn’t break character.