When a newly discovered planet starts shooting sex rays at Earth — turning us into crazy sex maniacs, the fiends — Flesh Gordon is sent to the planet Porno to stop Emperor Wang and save us from ourselves.

Judging a Book by its Cover

– Is this the first porn parody?  Cause there’s like a lot of them now.  So I’ve heard.

– I can’t wait to see the effects, they must rival the original Star Trek.

– You think there might be a little bit o’ nudity in this flick?  Maybe.

The space age sex spoof that’s out of this world!

Directed by Michael Benveniste and Howard Ziehm

Starring Jason Williams, Suzanne Fields and Joseph Hudgens

The film opens with a scientist, Dr. Gordon, looking through a giant telescope and proclaiming some very sad news.  Apparently a new planet they have recently discovered is shooting a ray towards Earth, a very specific ray that affects groups of humans and make them devolve into group sex on the spot.  Whatever shall we do?  The scientist proclaims that he shall send his son, Flesh Gordon, to the planet in order to stop them.

The trip was fine.

Elsewhere, Flesh is flying back home when the rays hit the plane he’s on which drives everyone on board into an instant orgy, including the pilots.  Flesh and his buddy Flexi Jerkoff finish up and parachute to safety and then they’re off to Flexi’s place to put an end to the sex ray once and for all using Flexi’s conveniently built rocket…shaped like a penis.

Trying to compensate for something?

They arrive on the planet Porno and are brought to Emperor Wang who simply wants to marry Flesh’s friend Dale who just came for the ride more than anything.  Flexi is put to work and Flesh is sentenced to death but he’s saved by the queen who wants to put him to work as her sex slave.  Amazon lesbians interfere during Wang’s wedding and he engages his…rapist robots… to fight back against them.  Flesh and Flexi join the lesbians good guys rebellion and are victorious in destroying the sex ray.  Hooray?

You see, my dear, the planet is actually named after me. Its very interesting.

I’m not really knowledgeable in the Flash Gordon universe in the first place, but chances are I don’t need to know much in the first place considering what the movie wants to deliver.  A softcore sex comedy disguised as a parody, Flesh Gordon is ultra low budget schlock but winds up being entertaining ultra low budget schlock.  The actors are just hamming it up on screen spouting out lines from a script that might have been written by a ten-year old.  The effects are cheap, naturally, but also creative for this type of film.  Of course the major draw is the constant nudity, so if you’re the type who needs a boob dose every ten minutes, this is your movie.

TL;DR

Story: 6 – Flesh Gordon, hero of Earth, is sent to the planet Porno to stop them from shooting sex rays at us cause all it does is make us have sex.  We have shit to do, you know.

Blood: 1 – There’s blood rushing somewhere but you don’t see any red on screen.

Nudity: 10 – Lots of nudity and simulated sex as advertised.

Overall: 6 – Come for the nudity….ugh.  Stay for the shlocky humour.

Trivia

-To avoid a lawsuit, the film’s marketing included a blurb mentioning that the film was not to be confused with Flash Gordon.  Where would anyone get that idea?

-The film was cut from an X-rating to an R-rating.  The X-rated footage was surrendered to police and contains both straight and gay sex scenes.

–Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders was released as a direct sequel in 1989.